Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
