question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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