I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
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his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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