i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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