if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
