ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
