Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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