i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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