You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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