Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
