Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
