I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
