I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
