and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
