Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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