I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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