Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Still dying that you shit outside
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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