So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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