She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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