i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
