He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
A+ Viking dick
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
