i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
