Got a toothbrush?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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