She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
