She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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