god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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