You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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