I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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