I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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