I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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