I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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