it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
