what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
