My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
