dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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