Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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