I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
