Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
