wrigley field is MILF paradise
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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