her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
