wrigley field is MILF paradise
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
