I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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