apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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