I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
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Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
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My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.