i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.