my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.