I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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