Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
