Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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