I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We left an ass print on the piano.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
