awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
