So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Randomize
