listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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