Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
