I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
