if i can run in heels then i can drive
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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