What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just pee around me
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
