I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
