i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
