fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The uberlube is also flammable
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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