My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
