I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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