dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
